If this is what the Holiday Blues feels like...FUCK.

Goddamn, I'm emotionally ALL OVER THE PLACE. Too much shit has happened this past weekend, and in the process of digesting it so I can move on, god-DAMN. I don't even know how I holding it together while I'm outside, because I just want to bawl my eyes out. I'm so fucking depressed right now.

So the rundown of the whole thing is, I had a very close FWB crash with me this weekend. We had some fun the first night there, and god...we fucked up. As quiet as we tried to be, my roommate still heard it, and got at me about it the next day. I apologized so much; I felt very guilty about it. Next thing, I give her a heads-up that we need to wash up or whatever. She said cool, but I didn't hear her say go one-at-a-time because her granddaughter was there. I tried to do it as discreet as possible, but the kid saw us both go in the bathroom. Fuck up #2. Roomie goes APESHIT, takes her granddaughter and husband and leaves. Then later on that night, we have a discussion about it, and I agree to her terms, but she keeps going. and going. and fucking GOING. And jumping to conclusion to conclusion about me and my friend, throwing ultimatums at me, and it just stressed me the fuck out for most of the weekend. Oh, but that's not all.

So, Saturday, me and my friend are having dinner together in the city, and....my roommate calls me. UGH. She goes on ask if my friend is crashing there again that night. I tell her NO, that we're coming back to get his stuff, and that we'll be hanging with my peeps. So she goes on to tell me that her older children were making fuss about my friend being there and blahblahblah.....then she says something that just COMPLETELY cut off any chance of me being as cool with her as I was before: "you pay your rent and all, but $600/month isn't worth all this drama." Now, I accept FULL responsibility over the events that happened, and I'm forever sorry I added to the stress you already had over her daughter giving birth and your nature etc etc...but that did NOT need to be said to me. It didn't even have to go there. In fact, she didn't even have to CALL me that day being that she already expressed her discontent and how things were gonna go from here on out, and I agreed to that. It's the fact if how she came at me. At first she was calm or whatever, but then she just kept repeating herself every fucking time I saw her, and then she spazzes on me, and then, she calls me the next evening while I'm trying to take my mind off all the stress and make sure my friend is enjoying his weekend with me, and dumps more shit on me, and then says THAT?!! Thanks for showing your ass, roomie. We can keep it on tenant status then.

It's like....I think this is life telling me not to settle for just this room. I thought I could make something of myself here, but it's only a stepping stone to greater things if I work hard for them I think. So, now I have new goals: to attain TRUE freedom. So I will save money and look for my OWN apartment while my friend Erin saves up as well. I'd really like to be completely on my own, but just in case, rooming with people in my age bracket seems like the most smartest choice at this point. I'm grateful for the hospitality for however long it lasts here, but there are some things that I used to deal with that now I'm paying money for rent, I feel like I shouldn't. And I WON'T.

So I'm going through the motions of this shit and the depression of missing certain people, and I'm just in emo overdrive right now. I guess I just have to keep on keep keepin on as they say, and live life.

Life is great, but then it can be a real bitch at times...

So I'm in the process of moving into my new place this weekend, and I'm excited as hell about it. The only thing that brought me down is the bad news I heard from a friend of mine. His GF is moving away and so they are breaking up. I felt so bad for them because even though I have feelings for the guy, I really wanted his relationship to grow with that woman. I know that a part of me wished that he could see how I feel about him and choose me, so I feel worse that they actually broke up; I wonder if all the focus I put into it at that time caused this to happen.....sounds strange, but I dunno. Overall I just felt really REALLY guilty about what happened.

Nothing but lies this past Saturday. LIES!!

Chocolate Ale my black ass!

So I go to Barcade for a pre-bday getogether, and I decide to try this Arcadia Chocolate Ale. Yo...there was NO fucking hint of chocolate in that fucking drink!! So I submitted myself to getting a 3-4 hour buzz for nothing...motherfuckers lied to me! That shit had an ABV of 7.4, if I remember correctly, and yes, I am a lightweight when it comes to drinking( I don't let it stop me, cuz I've been drunk and haven't puked or anything so...I think I'm fuckin TOP!).

On top of that, I dsicover that the MTA is also lying when they said that late nights the D train was running on the 8th Av line. Lying sons of bitches...I waited @ 14th and 8th over 30 minutes, and no damn D train was running. So, very angrily, and still buzzed, I just took the A to Columbus Circle....and waited almost an hour for a damn D train. Fuck MTA on the weekends. Fuck them up their anuses with a spiked 15' dildo!!!

Young men who wear their pants off their asses..please die in a fire.

Why are we letting guys moon us on a constant basis? This is bullshit. Like, they are utterly incapable of finding their RIGHT pant size..is that what the problem really is? Then you need someone to do your shopping for you. And the worst part is when they wear shirts that aren't long enough; maybe the paln was to have a longer shirt, and they fucking FAILED! You are NOT a fucking underwear model, you fucking douchebag. The world does NOT need to see your ass. God forbid the day I see a dude with his pants hanging off his ass, and he's got skidmarks in them....one day, someone should just pull that dude's pants down to his ankles while he's walking down some stairs so he can get more "initmate" with the stairs, a la tripping and taking a little spill down.

/rant.

Random Emo shit on my mind

*sigh*
While I'm not a poet, I feel alot of emotions most times from present and past experiences. The ones I feel like blogging about now are some that stay with me, things I would NEVER, or more like, CAN'T EVER, tell the people to their faces. So, here goes....

"....you have no idea how much I feel for you and how much I wish I could be with you. But it can never happen, not in the way I'd want it to, and deep down inside I know that you'd never want to be with me, not in that way....knowing all of this tortures me, and makes me believe that my solitude will be neverending.....and yet I must endure, and continue to be your friend without your discovering my secret burden, and letting it alter, or possibly harm, our friendship. It is a bond I intend to protect as best I can."

" Life....why did you do it to me? Why did you take the love of my life away from me? Since then, I've been lost in the mists of loneliness and despair, searching so long for something, anything, to ease my pain...to heal this deep wound. When I lost him, I lost a part of myself. It literally died; I lost a piece of my energy, of my very soul. I may never get that piece of me back ever again. After all the time that has past, nothing will ever, EVER, fill that void that was left. No matter how hard I try...nothing ever will fill that void."

*Sigh* Well....pretty emo, huh? Too fucking bad! It was on my mind, and it had to come out, so THERE! Nobody's forcing you to read this! (/rant) XD
To anyone out there who's been through this, maybe you can empathize or sympathize, whichever you want.

This Gym "partnership" is fucking OVER!!

Man...today's gym session was not too good today. Now that I've arrived home and had a chance to get my thoughts together, I've decided that I'm fucking DONE with the person that sorta became my gym partner, Rene. I appreciate his help and his time, but the dude is comin' off too damn bossy and domineering for my taste. I won't lie; i'm not in favor of certain forms of discipline and routine (I get BORED with them!), but I have been trying. HARD. Rene's " You have to do as I do EXACTLY" schtick is not going over well with me. I'm at the point where i can digest some of what he's shown me, and just take the reins from there. I just wanted some tips, not to be under someone's control. Please, dude. Unless I'm PAYING you to push me, don't get shit twisted; don't THINK you can just boss me around, and I'm gonna just take it. WTF is the deal with these older men nowadays? I'm not too sure of his age, but he could be my father I think. I already have one father, HARDLY! I don't need another one, especially some dude I've known for...about a week and a half, maybe?

Anyway, I had a set idea of what I want to accomplish, but since I might still be a gym newb, I just wanted some pointers...yknow, tweakings in my plan to further my progress. Rene's helped me open up to using the free weights more, and for that I'm grateful. But this, "you have to do this like I do it all the time, etc, etc" shit....I can already SEE where this is gonna go, and it's not a good direction. So I may have to switch up the days I go to the gym near my job, or find another one close to my job , or go to the one not too far from my home( about one hour from work on the express train).

Heh...I remember when he told me he was partnered with another woman, but she stopped coming. I think he said she got lazy, but I think i know the REAL REASON...you overbearing Haitian fuck.

End rant.