Since it's become painfully clear that I can't tell you how I feel face to face, I'm writing this. It just gets too hard to stand whenever we talk; it takes so much of my energy to hold my tongue and not tell you how I feel about you. I wish I could...not to expect you to feel the same because I know you don't and you can't, but just so that I don't have to suffer as much as I do. Sounds pretty selfish, but at this point, it's just misery feeling how I do and not being able to tell you. I know that I'm making myself suffer for feeling anything for you in the first place; even though you might think that the feelings started when we were doing things, but that's not the truth. Truth is, I was feeling something the first time I chilled with you, but deep down I knew that it wouldn't be reciprocated how I wanted if at all. And then when you DID make a move, I was stupid and started feeling more as we spent more time together and as we did more and more of those fwb things. And now, you have someone you want more than me, and I knew it all and yet I still the way I do, only it's worse. And I have no choice but to stand it. I have to continue keeping the truth away from you because I don't want to lose the great bond of friendship we have, which in a way deepened because we did those fwb things. *sigh*
You joked around tonight about what I need, but in truth you don't have a clue what I need, or more likely, what I feel I need atm. I know that in time, these feelings will subside, but they're just at the peak right now that talking you at times without feeling sad about my position is very hard. It's really a sad pathetic situation I've gotten myself into yet again, but I'm hoping that will change soon.
So, yea. Here it is on the table. Unlike most women to you, who want you when you have someone already, I've wanted you way before that. But...you can't know it. Not now. Possibly not ever. Like Ennis said in Brokeback Mountain, " if I can't fix it, I've gotta stand it.". Seems like that's all I can do....so I'll continue as best as I can to.