Tuesday, December 16, 2008

If this is what the Holiday Blues feels like...FUCK.

Goddamn, I'm emotionally ALL OVER THE PLACE. Too much shit has happened this past weekend, and in the process of digesting it so I can move on, god-DAMN. I don't even know how I holding it together while I'm outside, because I just want to bawl my eyes out. I'm so fucking depressed right now.

So the rundown of the whole thing is, I had a very close FWB crash with me this weekend. We had some fun the first night there, and god...we fucked up. As quiet as we tried to be, my roommate still heard it, and got at me about it the next day. I apologized so much; I felt very guilty about it. Next thing, I give her a heads-up that we need to wash up or whatever. She said cool, but I didn't hear her say go one-at-a-time because her granddaughter was there. I tried to do it as discreet as possible, but the kid saw us both go in the bathroom. Fuck up #2. Roomie goes APESHIT, takes her granddaughter and husband and leaves. Then later on that night, we have a discussion about it, and I agree to her terms, but she keeps going. and going. and fucking GOING. And jumping to conclusion to conclusion about me and my friend, throwing ultimatums at me, and it just stressed me the fuck out for most of the weekend. Oh, but that's not all.

So, Saturday, me and my friend are having dinner together in the city, and....my roommate calls me. UGH. She goes on ask if my friend is crashing there again that night. I tell her NO, that we're coming back to get his stuff, and that we'll be hanging with my peeps. So she goes on to tell me that her older children were making fuss about my friend being there and blahblahblah.....then she says something that just COMPLETELY cut off any chance of me being as cool with her as I was before: "you pay your rent and all, but $600/month isn't worth all this drama." Now, I accept FULL responsibility over the events that happened, and I'm forever sorry I added to the stress you already had over her daughter giving birth and your nature etc etc...but that did NOT need to be said to me. It didn't even have to go there. In fact, she didn't even have to CALL me that day being that she already expressed her discontent and how things were gonna go from here on out, and I agreed to that. It's the fact if how she came at me. At first she was calm or whatever, but then she just kept repeating herself every fucking time I saw her, and then she spazzes on me, and then, she calls me the next evening while I'm trying to take my mind off all the stress and make sure my friend is enjoying his weekend with me, and dumps more shit on me, and then says THAT?!! Thanks for showing your ass, roomie. We can keep it on tenant status then.

It's like....I think this is life telling me not to settle for just this room. I thought I could make something of myself here, but it's only a stepping stone to greater things if I work hard for them I think. So, now I have new goals: to attain TRUE freedom. So I will save money and look for my OWN apartment while my friend Erin saves up as well. I'd really like to be completely on my own, but just in case, rooming with people in my age bracket seems like the most smartest choice at this point. I'm grateful for the hospitality for however long it lasts here, but there are some things that I used to deal with that now I'm paying money for rent, I feel like I shouldn't. And I WON'T.

So I'm going through the motions of this shit and the depression of missing certain people, and I'm just in emo overdrive right now. I guess I just have to keep on keep keepin on as they say, and live life.