Sunday, November 29, 2009

Why so cold outside?

A conversation with the couple yesterday made something apparent to me again.

My world point of view is quite limited. I've realized at times, that its hard for me to relate to them in terms of the things we've all experienced. Since I can't relate, its so hard for me to empathize and feel anything at times. So, when I'm asked how I feel about certain things, I can't really answer because my default disposition is feeling nothing. I have to re-think the experience they've shared with me and go over it again in my head and see how I feel afterwards. I just hate that I can't answer right away because of the earlier mentioned default mechanism.

And even when I do express something, it doesn't even feel genuine to ME. Why does that happen, when other times, my emotions just flow?

To be continued....

Friday, November 27, 2009 thoughts on Black Friday.

It was CRAZY. I've never seen so many people line up for sales and deals in my life. Of course, I've heard of how crazy it gets, but you never REALLY know you witness it for yourself.

I left my house @ 1am to head for the Best Buy @ 151St and River Ave. What I wasn't prepared for was the line that was there. It was about 2 city locks long, which, it would turn out, was HEAVEN for me compared to when others were arriving after me. By the time 5am came around, the line had gone through the shopping complex's parking lot...and people were STILL showing up to get in line!!

Since I have experienced this thing called Black Friday firsthand, I now know what I'd have to do to be able to go through such suffering and fuckery again next year:

-Get as many people down to wait in line with me as I can. It makes all the difference between waiting 6-8 hours to get food in your system, and the company is always a good thing. There were a couple times where I thought I would tap out and go home since it was just me.

-Be sure to dress WARMER. I was bundled up, but...apparently not bundled up enough.

-Try to get there earlier. I mean, for what it's worth, I still was able to get what I wanted and all, but just to be able to get the hell out the store all the more faster would be awesome personified.

So along with that stuff, and no drunk, flaming homosexuals talking out of their ass on the line, getting on my last nerve, then Black Friday would be more worth enduring, if I should decide to do it again next year.

For now, I'm having a ball with my Sony Vaio w/Windows 7. I just need a mouse and an external HD, and I'll pretty much be good to go.

Hooray for being able to download porn so much FASTER!!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

So random I don't even have a catchy title for this post...

So I realized that I haven't posted anything random in here in a while. can I say? What's on my mind?

Oh...the fact that I can't wash clothes because my grandmother let her waste of an ovum son use the goddamn washing machine. So, thanks to HER constant enabling of this crackhead mothafucka, I have to spend most likely $15-$20 to go to the laundromat to wash my clothes.

You see, when I don't fuck with shit in the house, everything is cool. But whenever grandmom messes with something, or she lets that failed abortion in the house, shit just happens. And yet I think a part of me that feels sorry for her compels me to stay here with her. But I need to be free of this place again, and soon. I remember my mom saying that I need to talk to my grand about things, but why?

Why the fuck should I tell her ANYTHING, none the less how I feel about shit she's doing? Its not like its going to change anything. She will STILL do what she feels she has to do, even if it stresses her out. Everything that comes out of that man's mouth when he talks sounds like nothing but shit with a touch of self hatred and the desire to make other just as miserable as him, and have people feel sorry for him; he has the WORST case of entitlement.

Grr, maybe I should stop talking about it, because it just takes me to darker places. It makes me wonder how I haven't killed him, put him out of his misery. It would be different if he were in jail or in a treatment program, but...nothing. Just out on the streets, or staying with someone, but no job, no desire for one, asking people for money, yknow...fucking BUM status. It just boggles me how others can put up with this kind of bullshit.

With all this stuff around me, its a wonder I can even feel emotion for family at all.

I feel there with them, but not really there.

I wonder what Thanksgiving will be like.

Nobody better even THINK about hitting me up for money.

*sigh* Ok, I REALLY should stop.

Hmm, what else is on my mind?

I hate that I can't masturbate for the next six days because of my menstrual.

I hate that my couple live so far, so all I CAN do is masturbate until I see them again.

If this is all coming off as if I'm just thinking about would be right, I'm fucking horny for once on the second day of my period, instead of being in bed, in a horrible amount of pain, doped up on Motrin, crying for my mother under the covers.

Hmm. I guess that's enough random shit for tonight, I want some Cocoa Krispies before I head to bed.

Night all.

Monday, March 9, 2009

A Letter(sorta) to J.I.M.

Since it's become painfully clear that I can't tell you how I feel face to face, I'm writing this. It just gets too hard to stand whenever we talk; it takes so much of my energy to hold my tongue and not tell you how I feel about you. I wish I could...not to expect you to feel the same because I know you don't and you can't, but just so that I don't have to suffer as much as I do. Sounds pretty selfish, but at this point, it's just misery feeling how I do and not being able to tell you. I know that I'm making myself suffer for feeling anything for you in the first place; even though you might think that the feelings started when we were doing things, but that's not the truth. Truth is, I was feeling something the first time I chilled with you, but deep down I knew that it wouldn't be reciprocated how I wanted if at all. And then when you DID make a move, I was stupid and started feeling more as we spent more time together and as we did more and more of those fwb things. And now, you have someone you want more than me, and I knew it all and yet I still the way I do, only it's worse. And I have no choice but to stand it. I have to continue keeping the truth away from you because I don't want to lose the great bond of friendship we have, which in a way deepened because we did those fwb things. *sigh*

You joked around tonight about what I need, but in truth you don't have a clue what I need, or more likely, what I feel I need atm. I know that in time, these feelings will subside, but they're just at the peak right now that talking you at times without feeling sad about my position is very hard. It's really a sad pathetic situation I've gotten myself into yet again, but I'm hoping that will change soon.

So, yea. Here it is on the table. Unlike most women to you, who want you when you have someone already, I've wanted you way before that. can't know it. Not now. Possibly not ever. Like Ennis said in Brokeback Mountain, " if I can't fix it, I've gotta stand it.". Seems like that's all I can I'll continue as best as I can to.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Message in a Bottle...

This letter is more of a catharsis for me, because though I will never say this things to the person it's about, it gets so hard to endure carrying all these feelings and they cant go anywhere really. So, here goes:

Dear You,
I hope everything is going well for you. First off I want to say that i'm sorry for lying to you all this time. making you think I was talking about someone else when I'd be down about having feelings for someone....and all this time, the person i was describing was YOU. Always has been. It's really my fault for developing feelings in the first place. Just couldn't help it as I got to know you and you got to know me more. I know you could never anything more for me other than what you do feel and I'm okay with it...well I have no other choice to really lol. I got nothing but love for you as a friend and I don't ever want to lose that. it's hard enough now being able to be open with people since I've been hurt so much. I feel dishonest for not being able to tell you how I really feel, but I feel that it would just make things more complicated. They're complicated enough. It hurts that I know there's someone that you'd rather be with than me, it sucks that I'm the one you're not really into, and that you'd never be into me seriously. And it sucks that I can never tell you these things, that you'd never feel the same, and that you're so far away from me.

Hopefully I can put all this to rest and just look forward. maybe soon i can put all these sad feelings behind me, or just channel them into something positive. it just gets so hard keeping all of these things inside and away from you.